Questions to Parents

What is happening to American families?  It used to be unusual to hear about families that were splintering.  Keeping grandparents and grandchildren separated using threats of revenge for imagined slights as punishments. Shunned grandparents are in every state, and each of their situations is unique. But they have one thing in common;  they are heartbroken to be kept away from their grandchildren.

It is one of the 

most painful things I have experienced.

When snap decisions to "withhold" grandchildren happens, Grandparents are stunned and confused.  After expressing an opinion different from what their adult child believes, they received an unexpected, negative reaction. The next thing to happen is that communication was simply stopped and they are not allowed to see the grandchildren. 

A child deserves to have as many loving adults in their life as possible. Children are not pawns, and neither grandparents nor parents should use them in that way.

My heart breaks a little more each day. 

Distress and loss can feel heart-wrenching and never-ending.  Disbelief and shock are natural reactions. Losing contact with grandchildren (and adult children) often results in a stew of emotions.  Thoughts fly through your head trying to make sense of it, every day and almost every hour.  Both mental and physical complications can arise as you try to sort out the unexplainable and confusing events that led up to this.

You will feel grief as long as the separation lasts.  

Shock and Anger

If the separation from your grandchildren occurred suddenly, you will be in shock.  You may be shocked that the parents are willing to take such a drastic step.  It will be followed closely by anger.  But anger may cause you to do something to worsen the breach.  At the same time, unexpressed anger can be physically destructive.  Stress is a killer.

Helplessness and Hopelessness

This anguish may turn to hopelessness.  And it seems absolutely certain that nothing can undo the situation.  

Envy and Jealousy

You may feel envy & jealousy toward other grandparents you meet in your daily life who are able to be with their grandchildren.  Especially if the other set of grandparents you run into are also your grandchildren’s other grandparents and allowed to see your grandkids.  Emotions may be especially despondent.

Grief
Grandparents who have been denied contact go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

You will also definitely feel grief of what is lost and will be lost; the memories to be made, hugs, laughter, and joy.  But unlike the grief associated with a death, there is no closure.   

There is no doubt that alienated grandparents feel many painful and conflicting emotions.  It is genuine grief that no one can understand if they haven’t experienced a sudden loss have your adult child TURN ON you without explanation is a devastating betrayal, the deepest type of wound.  It hurts so deeply and completely.  It can happen suddenly when you least expect it.  For them to think grandparents are so stupid, unfeeling, untrustworthy to be around the kids is crazy.  We aren't a threat to their kids.  I personally wasn't a great and wonderful mom but I didn't ruin my kids. 

Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.  Exodus 20:12